Just about every time I am with more than one person in my class, the topic of our overwhelming schoolwork comes up. I, personally, am not a fan of those conversations. I usually end up having baby panic attacks that, for the most part, are invisible to others and wind up shutting down. I am not a major planner and try not to look too far ahead into the future which at times comes back and bites me in the tail when I realize I have not even started to think about this assignment until a few days before it is due and come to find out that it will take me way longer than expected to complete. Today one of those conversations came up, and I blocked it out as usual.
I know that by the grace and future plans of God I am in nursing school. It still amazes me how I actually got in. I was not one of the many who busted their butts and freaked out about getting in. I kind of stumbled through my first two years of college. The sad thing is that I still am. Even though I do not put nearly as much effort into school as I should, I still find myself not working on my relationship with God. I have all this time that I do not study and I still can't read my Bible or pray as much as I want to or need to. How lazy! And after all of that, I freak out over school stuff.
This morning I woke up and realized I passed out last night without getting into God's word as I had originally planned. I was going to get off facebook (ugh facebook I cringe) and then cuddle up with Larry my Bible and read some fun stuff from Mark. So after I got back from my clinicals I was going to start on some homework that I have managed to put off several days now but instead my computer decided to restart. Poo... Every time this happens, I have to manually turn it off and on again 3-8 times before it decides to cooperate. Perfect time to get some word in me.
So I read several chapters and came to Matthew 6. The last bit of that chapter talks all about worrying, and if you have trouble with it I suggest you read it. It is pretty good. I normally do not think of myself as a worrier. Like I said, I pretty much shut down and refuse to deal with things before worrying and then I flip out. I concentrate my worry into a very short time and then push through things. After the misery is over I resume life as normal. In all of this, I miss out on God.
Matthew 6:33-34 says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
In verses 25-32, Jesus talks about worrying about clothes, food, and places to live. He also talks about life. Honestly, most of the things that I worry about are a lot less important than these, especially less important than life. When I think of life, I think of my body, food, water, air, you know, the basics. But then, when I really think about life, I think about Jesus. Jesus is so much more important than anything else. He gave life. He gave me life. God put me here, got me into nursing school and Jesus bridged that huge gap between me and my maker. That right there is crazy powerful.
So going back to Matthew 6:33-34. I should first run after God, and his heart for my life. Then all of my worries will be taken care of. I should take life as it comes and give it to God, the only one who can really do anything about it. Now all of this is not an excuse for me to be lazy, but as I really run after God, I am believing he will help me with my struggles, big and small, and give me the ability to conquer them in his strength. God is good.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Not too focused
I must say that God has a thing for really speaking to me as I speak to others. I will be having conversations with people and listening to things they have been struggling with and then I speak the words I need to hear. It is a little crazy but many times when I have intense God/life conversations with people I am surprised with what comes to mind and out of my mouth.
Just yesterday I was talking with a friend about some things she has been going through and I told her that sometimes God does not give us what we want all of the time and sometimes He does want to bless us like crazy but the thing He wants more than any thing else is our heart. Then and only then when He is our focus and our life's goal is to put Him first and praise Him with everything we do and really dig into the Word to really have an intimate relationship with Him, He surprises us.
Why would God give me things that I would put in front of Him if He is not my focus? It does not make any sense at all. God wants great things for all of us, but first He wants our heart. Not the half heart I give Him most of the time. Not the leftovers. Not the "I'm sorry God for not really reading my Bible today or really praying, but you do know I am tired and I have an early class in the morning and well I won't have any time for you then either. Maybe I can fit you in around lunch, but wait, I have to sit there and talk to some random people in my class. And well after that, you know how much I need to work on that project. Maybe when I get home tomorrow night. Maybe by then I will have some time to spend with you..." How crappy I am. I am really appalled. Sometimes by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I cannot even muster the strength to get up the stairs to change clothes and climb into bed. Why would God give me anything if I cannot even give Him the time of day? Look, I even make this about myself and not about Him.
I have an idea of what I want my life to look like but I have started to look at that more than to look towards God and really spend time with Him. I know I really want a God centered life, but that is not happening all on it's own. I have to make the effort to really spend time in the Word and in prayer and even in just resting in Him. I really need Him more and more every day. There is a huge hole in my heart that I try to fill with plans and ideas and dreams, but the only thing that can fill it is God. Lord, please fill my heart and if you find anything in it that is in the way of me and You, take it away.
Just yesterday I was talking with a friend about some things she has been going through and I told her that sometimes God does not give us what we want all of the time and sometimes He does want to bless us like crazy but the thing He wants more than any thing else is our heart. Then and only then when He is our focus and our life's goal is to put Him first and praise Him with everything we do and really dig into the Word to really have an intimate relationship with Him, He surprises us.
Why would God give me things that I would put in front of Him if He is not my focus? It does not make any sense at all. God wants great things for all of us, but first He wants our heart. Not the half heart I give Him most of the time. Not the leftovers. Not the "I'm sorry God for not really reading my Bible today or really praying, but you do know I am tired and I have an early class in the morning and well I won't have any time for you then either. Maybe I can fit you in around lunch, but wait, I have to sit there and talk to some random people in my class. And well after that, you know how much I need to work on that project. Maybe when I get home tomorrow night. Maybe by then I will have some time to spend with you..." How crappy I am. I am really appalled. Sometimes by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I cannot even muster the strength to get up the stairs to change clothes and climb into bed. Why would God give me anything if I cannot even give Him the time of day? Look, I even make this about myself and not about Him.
I have an idea of what I want my life to look like but I have started to look at that more than to look towards God and really spend time with Him. I know I really want a God centered life, but that is not happening all on it's own. I have to make the effort to really spend time in the Word and in prayer and even in just resting in Him. I really need Him more and more every day. There is a huge hole in my heart that I try to fill with plans and ideas and dreams, but the only thing that can fill it is God. Lord, please fill my heart and if you find anything in it that is in the way of me and You, take it away.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Excuses... they are just lame
I do such a good job at making excuses, excuses for everything from why I cannot do this dishes to why I cannot seem to read for any of my classes to why I cannot spend time with people to why I cannot make time to read my Bible every day. The common denominator is me. I am the problem with all of these situations and to be honest all of these excuses are plain ridiculous. Some times I feel entitled to not do things because hey, I am in nursing school. I have a million and one things to do. I work, I have clinicals, I have class, I go to Bible studies and church and all of those things take up a lot of time, however they do not take up all of my time. I do have a lot of time on my hands and make myself think I am busy and continue to procrastinate and make even more excuses.
Many of the times that I say I am busy with school, all I am really busy with is thinking about how dreadful school is. How crazy is that. I cannot even seem to do things, instead I dwell on how scary things seem. If I stopped making excuses and didn't complain as much I would have a whole lot more time to do those things and I would not have as much time to build them up in my mind. They would be more like small tasks than the monstrous tasks that they become after they have been stewing around for a while.
When Jesus was praying before he was arrested, he admitted that he really did not want to have to die on the cross. But guess what? he did! In Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." That right there makes all of my troubles and tasks so much less important. Jesus, the Son of God, did what he had to do without complaining.
So now here I am in my last year of college. I have a lot of things to do, but hey, in the end they are doable. So why can I not do them to the best of my ability and without complaining. If I can really do this, Jesus will have even more time and room to shine through my life. Let's get this thing done and done well!
Many of the times that I say I am busy with school, all I am really busy with is thinking about how dreadful school is. How crazy is that. I cannot even seem to do things, instead I dwell on how scary things seem. If I stopped making excuses and didn't complain as much I would have a whole lot more time to do those things and I would not have as much time to build them up in my mind. They would be more like small tasks than the monstrous tasks that they become after they have been stewing around for a while.
When Jesus was praying before he was arrested, he admitted that he really did not want to have to die on the cross. But guess what? he did! In Luke 22:42 Jesus prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." That right there makes all of my troubles and tasks so much less important. Jesus, the Son of God, did what he had to do without complaining.
So now here I am in my last year of college. I have a lot of things to do, but hey, in the end they are doable. So why can I not do them to the best of my ability and without complaining. If I can really do this, Jesus will have even more time and room to shine through my life. Let's get this thing done and done well!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Started in Job, ended up in John
This morning class was canceled so I decided to lounge around and read instead. I read a bit in Job and then I turned over to John. For a while now I have really loved the book of John. I love the stories and the things Jesus did and said as told by John. At Urbana we went through the first four chapters which are powerful.
One story that sticks out to me in particular is the story of Jesus and the woman at the well. Her story starts in John 4:4. I love how Jesus just goes up to her even though she is a Samaritan woman, and not only was she a Samaritan, she had been married several times and was with another man that was not her husband. Jesus knew all of this and still asked her for some water! He did not care what she had done in the past or what she was currently doing. She had sinned and He still met her where she was, He loved her. All of us as humans have differences. We are all unique. We all have different backgrounds. We have different sins, but we all have sinned. They may be different, but they are all sin.
Some of us might look at the woman at the well and be like, "Look at that woman! She has had five husbands and is now with some other man! We are not as bad as her." I know I have felt that way. I have been that person who looks down on others who fall into sin after sin and don't seem to care. My heart breaks for these people, but some times I get tired of it and eventually write them off. I sit back and watch them screw up there lives and do nothing about it. We are not supposed to do any of this. We are called to love all people! We are called to live just as Jesus did. He did not sit back and watch people mess up there already broken lives or criticize there every wrong move. He went to them. He met them where they were. He showed them love and grace and gave them mercy and forgiveness.
He didn't just come to the Samaritan woman, He also came to me in all of my self-righteousness. Just a few chapters earlier, John 1:14 says "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us." Jesus came to all of us. He walked this earth to restore our relationships with our maker. I am so broken which makes my relationship with God broken.
Flipping to John 17 I saw that Jesus prayed for us before He was arrested and crucified. John 17:20-26 says
"My prayer is not for them* alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.
"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."
We are meant to be reconciled to God through Jesus and also to each other. We are meant to be a body of believers that reaches out to this hurting world, meet them where they are, and show them the love of Christ. My prayer is that I stop judging and disregarding the hurting. Jesus came for me and He also came for them. He came for each and every one of us. I pray I can show love to this beautiful neighborhood where God has sent me, spread that love of Jesus.
*them refers to Jesus' disciples
One story that sticks out to me in particular is the story of Jesus and the woman at the well. Her story starts in John 4:4. I love how Jesus just goes up to her even though she is a Samaritan woman, and not only was she a Samaritan, she had been married several times and was with another man that was not her husband. Jesus knew all of this and still asked her for some water! He did not care what she had done in the past or what she was currently doing. She had sinned and He still met her where she was, He loved her. All of us as humans have differences. We are all unique. We all have different backgrounds. We have different sins, but we all have sinned. They may be different, but they are all sin.
Some of us might look at the woman at the well and be like, "Look at that woman! She has had five husbands and is now with some other man! We are not as bad as her." I know I have felt that way. I have been that person who looks down on others who fall into sin after sin and don't seem to care. My heart breaks for these people, but some times I get tired of it and eventually write them off. I sit back and watch them screw up there lives and do nothing about it. We are not supposed to do any of this. We are called to love all people! We are called to live just as Jesus did. He did not sit back and watch people mess up there already broken lives or criticize there every wrong move. He went to them. He met them where they were. He showed them love and grace and gave them mercy and forgiveness.
He didn't just come to the Samaritan woman, He also came to me in all of my self-righteousness. Just a few chapters earlier, John 1:14 says "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us." Jesus came to all of us. He walked this earth to restore our relationships with our maker. I am so broken which makes my relationship with God broken.
Flipping to John 17 I saw that Jesus prayed for us before He was arrested and crucified. John 17:20-26 says
"My prayer is not for them* alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.
"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."
We are meant to be reconciled to God through Jesus and also to each other. We are meant to be a body of believers that reaches out to this hurting world, meet them where they are, and show them the love of Christ. My prayer is that I stop judging and disregarding the hurting. Jesus came for me and He also came for them. He came for each and every one of us. I pray I can show love to this beautiful neighborhood where God has sent me, spread that love of Jesus.
*them refers to Jesus' disciples
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The long journey ahead
Tonight I was asked what my goals for this year were. That is such a hard thing to answer. With all of my humanly failings I feel there are infinite things I could take as goals for this year. My answer was that I want to run after God to seek His heart for my life. Ideally, I would be able to do this because why wouldn't I want to entrust my life, my future to the one who does know it all. Not only does He know it all, He knows what is best for me. Wow. That is amazing. Not only does God know everything that will happen, He knows all about me and my future. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This verse has meant a lot to me these last three months or so. Even though I know this, I do not let God navigate my life all of the time. When I take over or start putting my own selfish desires into the plan I have for my life, I get farther away from what God would have for me. When I get farther away from God's heart for my life the more miserable I become. I start pounding like crazy on doors that have been shut and hold on to my selfish desires even tighter. The more I wait to turn my heart in God's direction, the more I have to surrender to Him in the end. By that point, these things have become so entwined with my heart that it causes excruciating pain to rip them away. All that is left is a broken mess.
This verse has meant a lot to me these last three months or so. Even though I know this, I do not let God navigate my life all of the time. When I take over or start putting my own selfish desires into the plan I have for my life, I get farther away from what God would have for me. When I get farther away from God's heart for my life the more miserable I become. I start pounding like crazy on doors that have been shut and hold on to my selfish desires even tighter. The more I wait to turn my heart in God's direction, the more I have to surrender to Him in the end. By that point, these things have become so entwined with my heart that it causes excruciating pain to rip them away. All that is left is a broken mess.
Even though we grow weary from the brokenness and turning and running back to God, His love for us is so great and unfailing that He never leaves. He is always there calling us back to His heart. This year I pray I wander back, not too weary from my journey.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The beginning of a blog and love
Blog. It has become so foreign to me to pull thoughts, ideas, and feelings out of my head and put them into writing. Lately God has been in the business of redeeming things in my life. I guess one of the reasons for setting out on this adventure is to trust Him with that old part of my life, to bring it back and dust it off. In the last few years I have put myself into the rut of not thinking. I think in mini blogs all day long, but nothing like I used to, really taking a step back and looking at my life and all that surrounds it, most importantly how God has been growing me. My dearest roommate has told me several times to start a blog. I doubted I would be able to since I am a talker by nature, not a writer. I have crappy grammar and punctuation at times and my spelling is atrocious. Oh well, I am believing God for the ability to let Him speak into my life through writing and not limiting myself to having conversations with others since I may not always have others to talk to. Now I venture into writing and thinking and talking to God more. This is a bit scary, not gonna lie.
So this is called love to the neighborhood. This is my heart and the way I want to live my life, to bring Jesus and His amazing love into the neighborhood. I am not the best lover of others but I'm growing and, honestly, that is all I want to do. Why have the love of Christ in your heart and not give it away? I do not even think it is a question of why, but how! Christ's love is so life changing and powerful that once it has hit one's heart it cannot be contained in that person, instead it flows out so much so that it becomes apparent to those around and begins to wash over them as we carryout the incarnate love of Jesus by serving and truly caring, among other things.
In this blog I pray that I may be able to explore that amazing love of Jesus, that love that extends to every person that dwells on this beautiful earth. Also, how I interact and react to this love and how it plays out in my life as I venture into my neighborhood to better share it with those who I love already, those who I am learning to love, and those who I really do not love.
So this is called love to the neighborhood. This is my heart and the way I want to live my life, to bring Jesus and His amazing love into the neighborhood. I am not the best lover of others but I'm growing and, honestly, that is all I want to do. Why have the love of Christ in your heart and not give it away? I do not even think it is a question of why, but how! Christ's love is so life changing and powerful that once it has hit one's heart it cannot be contained in that person, instead it flows out so much so that it becomes apparent to those around and begins to wash over them as we carryout the incarnate love of Jesus by serving and truly caring, among other things.
In this blog I pray that I may be able to explore that amazing love of Jesus, that love that extends to every person that dwells on this beautiful earth. Also, how I interact and react to this love and how it plays out in my life as I venture into my neighborhood to better share it with those who I love already, those who I am learning to love, and those who I really do not love.
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